Thursday, September 17, 2009

Where's the eject handle??

These days I am feeling like a fighter pilot....stuck in the heat of battle, going down in flames at times, and wondering where my damn eject handle is. There have been quite a few situations in the past week that have made me want to eject right on out of whatever I was doing. Unfortunately, those of us that are not fighter pilots, do not come equipped with that God send.
My husband continues to assure me that I am doing remarkably well considering the amazingly close relationship that I had with my mom. However, most of the time, I don't really feel that way at all. Granted, it doesn't help things that I am beyond impatient. And, on some level, I am really scared about what better feels like. Until the 13th of July, I had never imagined my life without my mom. I knew that she would always be there for me and soon enough, she would be living in KC. I was excited about having her here for shopping, her meat loaf, and for helping me figure out how to raise babies someday that would not turn into punks. In her words, "no three year old child is going to tell me what to do....." As much as I didn't want to hear that, I was waiting for the day that I called mom to tell her what our child was doing to hear that line as her reponse. Yesterday, I went to Nordy's with a friend for lunch. Afterwards, our plan was to do a little retail therapy because I thought maybe that would help. Unfortunately, her son decided to have a meltdown....poor kid must be getting some teeth! So, after she had to leave, I decided to stay at the mall for a bit. And, now, I understand what it feels like for Bryce to go to the mall. I wanted the heck out of there. It was no longer as enjoyable as it once was. I probably only lasted another 30 minutes. It was bad enough that I didn't even spend more than a second glancing at the shoes in Nordy's. I didn't have my mom to help me pick things out and make up new outfits with what I already have in my head....or her to help me rationalize what I felt I needed.
One of the most frustrating things continues to be the fact that my brain does not work. It takes me forever to get anything done or to even remember what I need to be doing. I ran errands on Saturday am and it took me forever to get them done. Of course, I was aware that my brain wasn't working which made me incredibly anxious. Not sure I have ever met anyone who gets upset b/c they can't find something at the grocery store. Once again....where was my eject handle.
Socially, I am officially a different person. We went to the engagement party for my brother in law and his fiancee. I was nervous about going because there would be many there that I did not know. So, before going, I talked to my therapist about it and she gave me a few strategies to help me get through. However, it only took me about 10 minutes after arriving to have a melt down. I felt it was coming so I was able to make it outside. I can't pinpoint any one factor that tipped it off but I can identify quite a few that contributed. I was at a celebration.....and I didn't like it. I thought that a joyous occasion might help me take my mind off things. It had the opposite effect. After leaving, I was emotionally exhausted. And, I made the executive decision that we were not going to the church brunch on Sunday. I just couldn't imagine having to be social with strangers. As I have said in previous weeks, I am no actress and I do not have a 'fake face.'
Yesterday did bring some joy in the mail. One of my mom's good friends from school sent me a prayer shawl that she had made for me. It's beautiful and soft and good for snuggling. I have a feeling that it is going to get lots of good use. It's amazing the comfort that something as simple as a blanket provides.
My dad is doing well. Most of the time, I think he is doing better than I am. But, that's ok. I know that he has his days too, but he is less likely to talk about it. As much as I love my dad and as well as he knows me, I still don't think he understands how I am really doing. I think that there were so many things that my mom and I shared that my dad never knew about or could even begin to understand that bond. He is coming down next week and I am ready for that. He is going to look at a few houses and maybe help us with a few projects. Not sure how long he will stay, but I am glad he will be here.
I make myself find something that I am thankful for everyday. I am not sure if this helps. I am trying to keep it in perspective but when I am on my 20th thing that I miss about my mom that day...I am not sure if that evens it out.
I have also found that silence and solitude are deafening. I was never one to like the quiet before. Now, that is even worse. I hate driving by myself in the car. I need noise all the time and at times, I am really picky about what noise I want. The voice of radio djs annoys me as does most of the music on the stations I listen to coming to work.
Alright, I best try and focus of what ever it is that I am supposed to be working on.

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