Thursday, September 17, 2009

August 3, 2009

Just thought I would write you all a note to let you know how things are going. For whatever reason, writing seems to be on the only that I feel like communicating these days. So, for those of you that I have not called, this is why. Everyday tasks continue to be daunting most of the time and that includes picking up the phone to call most of you. As much as I know I would love to chat, I am still struggling with what to say. For those of you that continue to call me, write me, and send me love in the mail. I will be forever grateful to you. Those messages continue to be the bright spots in my days.
I have discovered that grief is a very interesting process. There are days when I feel as though I have made progress only to take those same steps backwards the next day. This is also yet another instance where my impatience is rearing its very ugly head. I am not patient with myself at times and feel as though I should be able to accomplish more. Yet, my therapist continues to reassure me that baby steps are in order.....
I continue to be amazed as how my Mom and God attempted to prepare me for this process. Both have orchestrated new friendships in my life over the last year of individuals who would be able to help me deal with the loss of my mom. I, unfortunately, have a few friends that have also endured a great loss and are helping to support me. The reassuring part to me is that they stand strong today. I know that I will again, however, I also know that I will never be the same.
The parts that are the most frustrating for me right now is every time I reach for the phone to call my mom or think of somethimg funny that I need to tell her. I do still tell her about everything, unfortunately, we are no longer able to trade the sarcastic remarks we would have. As most of you know, we are continuing to work on our houses. This weekend, Bryce and Eric continued to work on finishing the flooring in the kitchen. So, it was time for them to move the frig to the garage. However, when they moved the fridge to the garage, they placed it directly behind the jet that you could not open the door of the fridge without moving the jet ski....I didn't realize this until Sat evening and pointed out to Bryce what great logistics he had designed...My next thought was to call Mom so that we could laugh at Bryce together. Unfortunately, I can't call her to make fun of Bryce. I missed her even more on Friday when I had my first migraine since her death. Despite the fact that I have been having migraines for 22 years, I have called my mom for every single one of them. I would call her to tell her that I had one and she would reassure me that if she were in KC with me that she would come over and put a cool rag on my forehead and make sure that I had my bucket if I needed it. This time, I had to take care of myself...Despite the fact that I know how, it was harder to do without her reassurance or her calls throughout the day to check on me.
Next week will be interesting as well. We are headed to BCCC for a memorial service that they are having on campus for her. it will be bittersweet to be on campus.
I suppose that I should get back to work....yuck. My focus is pretty marginal at best today.
Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, phone calls, texts, and love in the mail. I really do appreciate all that you have done. Please do call me....because I do love hearing from you.

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