Monday, July 5, 2010

Holiday weekends and conversations about nothing...

In my previous life, I loved and longed for long holiday weekends.  I loved the prospect of having three days to get 'stuff done' and do some relaxing.  I loved knowing that it usually meant life without a schedule and that I could easily blow off at least half of it and still manage to get something done if I needed to.  And, I loved the weekends when we would all get together.  Sometimes it was for being lazy...Sometimes it was for shopping...Sometimes it was for a few little projects around Club 246.

However, on this long holiday weekend, I discovered what I miss the most about these holiday weekends without my Mom.  I miss those damn pointless phone calls that we used to have when we weren't together.  The ones where I would call her at 11 and tell her that I was hoping to be dressed by noon....but don't count on it b/c I found ( insert show here) marathon and wasn't sure I could stick to such a tight schedule.  Or, those times when I called her at 1030 to report that I had already done a couple of loads of laundry, cleaned out something, gotten a coffee, and was ready for a nap.  I miss those stupid, random talks about nothing.  We might both complain that we were bored, but that neither one of had any intention of fixing it.  She might complain that Dad was (insert whatever here) and I would complain that Bryce was playing Xbox and not following my schedule.  And, then, she just might give me some advice on how to motivate Bryce....and I would explain how that wouldn't work.

These were the weekends when we talked a half a dozen times a day on the phone.  And, no one conversation was about much of anything.  Lots of reports on what I was or was not cooking, whether the grocery store was busy, how dumb it was that I braved Costco, and a few weather anecdotes thrown in.  And, each time, I would hang up the phone and smile...or shake my head.  I occasionally shook my head because she was telling me what I should be doing, and those same suggestions could have easily applied to her.

I also came to the conclusion this weekend that I would be perfectly happy to skip this entire damn month.  My motivation has tanked, the tears are up, I miss my Mom, and I wish all of these damn anniversaries in my head would go away.  Because I am female, I remember exactly what happened on every day for the 3 weeks preceding her death.  And, every day for the last couple, I have woken up to thoughts about whatever happened on that day last year.

I know that I have come a LOOOONG way.  However, I can't say for certain that life at this distance from where I started feels that much better in general.

Some days, I am still fascinated at the things that I need her for.  I still find it incredibly hard to make some decisions.  I am not an indecisive person.  However, I sure have been since my Mom died.  I want that to go away.  For example, Bryce and I went to the bookstore on Friday night because I wanted to go.  For the most part, I have stayed out of bookstores over the last year.  Mom and I went together, with coffee in hand, after we went to dinner.  So, I have stayed out of those stores.  But, I wanted a good book to read so we went to the bookstore.  And, when I couldn't decide what I wanted to read, I thought....'I need to call Mom so that she can tell me what to get that I will like."  This happens every Summer.  Every Summer I tell myself I am going to read some good literature and maybe pass by a few of those mysteries I read.  And, every summer, I call her from the bookstore and ask her what to get...if she isn't with me. I do most of the time, I left the store with a few more mysteries...and no literature.

One week from tomorrow it will be one year.