Thursday, September 17, 2009

44 Days Later...

My usual weekly update seems to be a few days late this week. However, better late than never. Better late than never seems to be a common theme these days. Few things seem to happen in the same time frame that they used to.
The last week has brought many interesting feelings, most of which I knew to expect. However, some of it I still find shocking. My therapist had warned me that the 6 week mark could be dicey. I have found that she wasn't kidding when she warned me of that. The emotion that has been most overwhelming is the incredible loneliness that I feel. Previously, I thought that loneliness resulted when you were alone, by yourself. However, I have unfortunately discovered that you can feel incredibly lonely in a room full of people or surrounded by the ones you love. My mom was the one that I could always count on to make me feel better and to give me support when I needed it and how I needed it. While I am now leaning on others for some of that, it doesn't feel right. It's just not the same. I am lonely to tell her all of the things that she is missing out on. I am lonely for her to help me to figure out what to do on the job front. I am lonely for her to help me with these damn migraines. Knowing that she would check on me always brought me comfort. Bryce does an excellent job of trying to help me manage, and it comforts me, but I need the comfort of my mom too. I am lonely for those stupid five minute phone calls to report my latest, pointless find at Target. The other day, I was on the verge of serious tears on Costco of all places. Sandra Brown and James Patterson both have new books out and she would have bought them there....and then given them to me to read after she was finished with them. I couldn't bring myself to be the one to read them first.
For someone that has always been incredibly comfortable in my own skin, I suddenly feel really awkward. I went to lunch with a friend last Friday at Dean and Deluca. There, I ran into one of my former patients who was out lunching with her mom. First of all, I was incredibly envious that she got to be out having lunch and shopping with her mom. However, the part that was really awkward was the fact that she didn't know about my mom. So, when she asked me how I was, I just said, "OK." and left it at that. Do I tell her what has happened in our chance meeting? Or, do I let her continue on without knowing why I don't seem quite right? What do I do??? That is about to happen this weekend too and I am really getting nervous about it. We have a couple of parties to go to this weekend and most of the people there do not know me well and have no idea what has happened. I am not worth a damn at putting on the party face right now. I guess we will just have to see how it goes...
As I have said before, I find the fact that life goes on for everyone else is really annoying. In fact, Facebook has become incredibly annoying to me over the past few days. I find people's minor complaints really annoying. I'm really sorry if you didn't get your hoo. I'm not trying to be snotty or acting like I am the all knowing.. However, you have to keep everything in perpective in the grand scheme of things and some people complain about really whiny stuff.
On that life goes on phase vein. I am also struggling with the fact that people assume that because it has been longer than five minutes since my mom died that I have miraculously recovered. No, I haven't. I am still barely functional a good percentage of the time. It's really hard to understand that my grief struggle is not the first thing on most people's minds anymore. I know that people are still praying for me and thinking of me. However, I really do feel incredibly lonely. That being said, I do greatly appreciate the cards in the mail, the phone calls, and the texts. They really are a bright spot to my day.
Alright, I need to get back to work. I realize that the tone of message might be a little different than my others. I am still trying to find the joy in everyday.

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