Monday, September 21, 2009

So I thought I liked weekends....

Each week, I look forward to the weekend.. I am free of work and all of its accompanying crap and I am free to do as I please. Granted, the last few months have been spent doing 'house projects' but no one is checking on that means freedom. However, this past weekend, I was a prisoner...of my own mind. Friday started as a normal Friday...this is annoying....only a couple hours left....thank God it's the weekend. However, this past Friday was more annoying than most. At my office, there is plenty of political and other annoying BS to go around right now related to the recent sale of my office practice. And, for some reason, I felt that Friday was particularly annoying. I would love to elaborate, but it's probably in my best interest not to. Despite my attempts to calm myself down, it just seemed to keep escalating. And, unfortunately, those emotions made me miss my Mom even more. She always had a knack for being able to calm me down. And, not being able to call her was the worst....All of sudden, everything I did became incredibly overwhelming...probably b/c nothing was going the way it was supposed to anyway. And, I became inconsolable. Finally, I was able to get out of there in a trail of tears and swam through it the whole way home. Driving home at 6 o'clock on a Friday night balling in your car alone is about the loneliest you can be. You don't exactly want to call your friends when you are inconsolable when chances are they are getting ready to roll out to a fun night out. And, when your poor hubby is knocked out by allergies, you can't cry on his shoulder either. So, you begin to come to the conclusion that you are not able to do this. This is not going to be possible. I cannot live without my mom. No previous coping mechanism made things better. It was one of many days where I questioned how on God's green earth I am going to be able to do this. To make it even more painful for me was when I heard my Dad smoking while he talked to me on the phone. Excuse me?! For someone that has had 5 heart attacks, that is a death wish. He thinks it's a coping mechanism. He had promised me when he was down here last week that he wouldn't be smoking anymore. Yes, I realize it is an addiction, but for him, it is also a choice between life and death. Hopefully, he will make the right choice. However, it is certainly out of my control...but don't worry, he knows how I feel about it.

The unfortunate part about Friday was that it continued into Saturday too. The little sleep I was able to get probably didn't really help the situation, but Saturday was ugly. It was yet another day that I wanted to pull the eject handle on. A day spent filled with tears over stories I couldn't tell my Mom or comfort that she was not able to provide. That day, I thought alot about the day before she had her stroke. On that Thursday, she was inconsolable, as anxious as I had ever seen her. Nothing was able to calm her down or to make her feel better. And, I finally know why. Yes, she felt horrible, she was having pain. However, on a subconscious level, she knew what was about to happen and she was struggling with what would happen after leaving Dad and I. She knew that I would suffer. She knew that I would try to be strong, but that all I wanted was my Mom to still be here to take care of me when I needed 29 years old. She knew that no matter how wonderful my friends, no one would ever be able to provide the level of comfort that she was able to provide. However, she must have had alot of faith.. Faith that with God's help, I would be able to make it.

In an attempt to make Saturday better, I stopped by to see one of my good friends. She works part time and stays home with her 3 wonderful boys. Her oldest was the ring bearer in our wedding. Since I was stopping to see her, I decided that the boys need balloons since I had to get some anyway for the City House open house. Those boys acted like I had given them a million dollars when I walked in with balloons. Despite the fact that I was looking exceptionally lovely...bad hair, puffy eyes, obviously sleep deprived...those kids thought I was wonderful. While I was glad to see her and get to chat, I was probably more affected by her children. At one point, her middle child (3) was very upset. And, much like myself as a child, he went to get his blanket for comfort...and, wanted to be near his mom. On a very basic level, I probably understood that need better than anyone. I needed the same thing. I needed to sit next to my own mom with my 29 year old blanket she made for me ( I still have it) and to feel better. And, when her oldest child was a punk to his youngest brother, his mom made him apologize to him. As I watched the whole interaction, I watched as Thomas told his brother that he was sorry...and he gave him a make him feel better. And, right there, I wondered how I was ever going to be that good of a Mom since I didn't have my own. I am not going to have her here to help me with all of the tricks that you need to know about kids....especially smart ones....or to be able to call and tell her how sweet my oldest was when he hugged his brother to say he was sorry.

Sunday was comparable...but different. Sunday, I was able to go see my Mom. I went to church as usual that morning and practically ran to the church yard to see her following church. And, as I sat there on the ground next to her, I sobbed. I sobbed because it was so incredibly unfair that I had to come see her here. Why couldn't I be meeting her at the Chanel counter or the shoes in Nordstrom? Why wasn't I able to call her on the phone to tell her about the sermon?? Although, I told her about that sermon during wasn't Todd and it wasn't very good.....I am pretty sure that the priest that delivered Sunday's sermon missed her public speaking class at seminary. She was all screwed up on her emphasis and phrasing....Mom would not have been happy.

I have also been missing one of her annoying habits lately too. I have been having a horrible time with my allergies for the past couple of weeks. And, had she still been alive, the first time I would have called with an ounce of congestion, she would have given me the speech about blowing my nose. "where's your kleenex?" "aren't you going to blow your nose" Mom, I just did....."Well, there is obviously still something in there." Oh well...Bryce and I are trying to manage our snotty noses.

As many of you know, my house (the City house) is on the market. And, we got an offer this weekend. So, right now, I am trying to negotiate the contract. I thought that when I got an offer on my house that I would be elated. Nope....just like everything else these days, not quite how I thought it would be. I was glad...but also very sad. It means I am really getting rid of that house. I am sure I will get over though very soon when I don't have that automatic withdrawal coming out....Since I thought of that however, I immediately went back to my usual thinking...what should I buy myself with the extra money to celebrate?! This is where it gets scary......Not sure I really need to buy anything. I have acquired so many wonderful things from my Mom that I am not sure I really need anything else.

Speaking of wonderful things from her collection... I have a new favorite piece of jewelry. I have been wearing her opera length pearls alot. Love them. And, they go with everything.

I am hopeful that things might get better this week...but I am not holding my breath. Her birthday is next week and I think that is part of my anxiety. I have her birthday presents picked out already, they will just be going to different people this year.

Alright...that is the update for today. I must get back to snuggling with Claire and Bryce on the couch with MNF. It's so romantic with our piles of kleenexes.....such a nice touch.

1 comment:

  1. Ann,
    I am so sorry you had a rough weekend. They can be hell. You will notice these weird anxiety attacks around birthdays and anniversary, and you will wonder what on earth is wrong with you. Until, you realize, oh it's your mother's birthday. And do not worry for a second, what kind of mother you will be, because you will be a wonderful one. I feel like I am a great mom, because I keep my mother's memory alive with Katie and Emily. I think I appreciate them more and more every day. It is bittersweet initially and then periodically throughout. The girls asked me yesterday if I thought my mom would have loved them, and I said "Of course, she would just love you." Hang in there. Gail