Thursday, September 17, 2009

Life goes on...August 17,2009

I just wanted to give you an update and let you know how life is going. As you all know, because you live in what I call the real world, life continues to go on. And, even in my very screwed up reality, there have even been a few days when I feel as though my own life will go on as well. I continue to have more bad days than good, however, I have discovered the concept of OK days. Those days are neither horrible nor exceptional.
Last week, in a word, was hell. I struggled each day with a vareity of monsters and moods. We went to BCCC for the memorial on Wednesday and had a nice time. It was really rough to even just be in some of the same halls that my mom used to walk, let alone spend time with people that she shared her days with. The service they had was very touching though. Many of her colleagues were able to speak about their fond and funny memories of my mom. It was good to hear those stories from their perspective. And, as much as I knew about my mom, and her life there, there were a few things I didn't know. I didn't know that she was in charge of hugs for her department. I heard countless stories of when she arrived at just the right time with a hug. That doesn't surprise me in the slightest. She always gave me good ones so I am sure that they provided comfort for others as well. It was nice to hear those types of stories, however, in some ways it made it worse. It made me realize right then and there how much I miss those hugs and the silly little flapping thing she did with her hands when she wanted/needed one. Luckily, I married someone that also gives amazing hugs. Good thing that I will have him forever...
I went to church and to see my mom alot last week. It really helps me to be there. I like the closeness to her that I feel there and the ability to go talk to my favorite Priest afterwards. He has been such a wonderful resource. Unfortunately, Todd has been through this and understands the diffculties each day brings. We were both laughing on Thursday about what signified a better day...for him it was washing his hair, for me, it is putting on real clothes and make up. Since you all know me well, youknow that used to be a daily occurrence, now, not so much. In that same church vein, it was an interesting week there last week. I was asked by one of the members of the altar guild to join their group. I felt really honored to be asked and at the same time, incredibly sad, because I wasn't able to call and tell my mom about it. I know that she would have been so proud of that.
My moods tend to be a fun ride these days too. I tend to go from 0 to Nuclear war in under a minute. My sense of reality is different than most right now. I get irritated at people that get irritated about minor details...things, that in my opinion, do not matter in the grand scheme of things. Despite the irritation, I do try to keep my mouth shut...I realize that most people don't have a clue. Luckily, my husband is very understanding is doing his best to help me navigate. I know that I am not mad at my mom or at God....he's the winner here. However, I think I am still very mad at the situation.
Work still sucks....enough said about that.
I continue to be thankful for the love and support I have seen from my old friends and some that I consider new. For those of you that send me love in the mail, texts, or emails.. I so appreciate those. It has been rough this week as the mail has died down. My mailbox had been full of all kind's of love for the past 5 months from the wedding and then from the loss of my mom. So, now, I just get to look at the bills and the regular crap.
During my trip to La Crosse last week, I was able to take all of the checks that I have received for her memorial to RCMH. Those checks, combined with others, will go towards the purchase of their new defibrillator. Yet another thing that my mom was pushing them to get...It was really hard to be at the hospital. I was able to see her CT scanner and the new construction that is going on. It was hard to imagine that she wouldn't be there to see the whole project through.

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