Monday, March 1, 2010

Another milestone..

So. those that know anything about grief know that there is an exceptionally long list of 'firsts' that you must get through.  And, many say it gets easier after the 'first' of whatever it is....I will go ahead and call bullshit on those people.  But, I am still checking off the firsts on my list.  So, last week was the first funeral since the last one I was at....Mom's.

I don't necessarily like funerals.  I am not really sure who does.  They tend to be sad and sorrowful.  You often see people at their worst or in a state near that.  Yuck.  I hate it.  However, I know from experience how important it is go for another to show your support.  So, I went.  My boss' father had passed away so, since she has already turned into a great friend, I felt compelled to go.

It was a 2.5 hour drive to get there but I needed every last second of that time to get myself off the ceiling and through the front door of the church.  I was nervous.  I did not want to lose it in a room full of people who don't know me.  I wanted to keep it together and do it with as much dignity as I could muster.  So, I put on my big girl panties, a little sparkle, and faced the demon.  And, I won.

It wasn't easy.  I knew what the family members and friends of the lost were feeling.  I knew exactly how raw that emotion was.  I also knew that they had no idea what was really coming.  I had been in that exact emotional spot not so long ago.  They were in the blissful state of grief.  For those of you that have been there, you know what I mean.  You think that life is really horrible and feel numb.  Little do you know, that feeling is as good as things are going to get for a while.

While the church service in and of itself was daunting....enter the graveside service.  That was when I absolutely lost it at my Mom's service.  My husband had to physically hold me up because I was absolutely unable to stand under my own power.  So, at first thought, I planned on skipping the graveside portion.  Then, I decided that I might as well suck it up and do a big girl.  And, every nasty demon of grief came home to roost in my brain in the quiet, frigid corner of the Catholic cemetery in Clay Center, KS.  This time, however, I was able to stay on my feet.  And, cry quietly behind my signature, oversized black sunglasses.  I returned to my car in silence.  I was exhausted.

I did stick around for the proverbial 'funeral lunch.'  That helped to lighten the emotional load before I made the trek back to the city....and I was very thankful.  In fact, I am pretty sure I have never been so excited about finger sandwiches, assorted salads, and one little corner of german chocolate cake.

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