Lucky 13

I never have been one of those people to be wrapped up in the meaning of numbers and whether or not they were really 'lucky'.  However, my thoughts on what they signify to me have changed a bit over the past 8 months.  On Saturday, I woke up and I felt rotten.  I felt rotten emotionally.  I felt rotten physically.  I wanted to crawl in a hole.  However, because I had committed to work that afternoon, there were no holes available for me.  I did my best at pulling myself together and got out of the house on my way to 'make something happen'.  And, as I was driving towards my office, I had that 'aha' moment.  It's the 13th.  No wonder I feel like shit.  My Mom had been gone for exactly 8 months.  And, while I was doing best to avoid stressing over that day, my subconscious felt the need to remind me that it runs my show these days.  And, to be honest, I find it all fascinating.  I had tried really hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to keep trudging...because that is what life feels like right now.  I was trying act like it was just another day...which it was...March 13th has absolutely no significance.  But, it doesn't really work that way I guess.

When I met with my therapist last week, I told her how much I was struggling the last few weeks and that I had chalked it up to my impending birthday and the change of season.  But, as I explained to her, I didn't understand why the season change was such a big deal.  Why would that make me an emotional disaster?  How could the prospect of sunshine, green grass, and daylight till 8 pm make me upset?  She explained it very simply.  I am not ready for the happiness of the spring season.  I am not emotionally able to think about the care free life that is spring and summer and think of it without some pain associated with it.  And then, it all made sense.  The dreary weather matched my mood much better.  And, who wants to be 'Debbie Downer' when the sun is shining?!!?!?

The other phenomenon that I have noticed in the last week is how hard March Madness is for me this year.  Yes, you all now think I am completely batshit crazy.  Why would March Madness be difficult for someone that loves basketball and for someone whose teams are doing so well????  And, through a little thinking, I discovered that I am mourning two things.  I miss the days of filling out brackets with my living grandmother who also loved basketball.  She now has dementia and no longer fills out brackets.  And, we did that together every March.  She kept it on the counter right next to her kitchen TV and we filled in the winners of each game...and would then discuss our thoughts about the upcoming match ups.  That doesn't happen anymore and I miss it.  And, while my Mom didn't ever really fill out brackets, she always knew what was going on.  And, she LOVED the Cinderella stories of the Big Dance.  She loved it when the underdog knocked off the big team...as long as that big team wasn't KU.  And, she loved the special interest stories that CBS would air about the kids who came from nothing but had a great Mom behind them supporting them every step of the way.  She loved hearing those stories and calling to make sure that I had seen it too.  And, I can assure you, she was yelling at the TV cheering on those kids' teams much like she did the Jayhawks.  She was always pulling for the underdog.

I am going to miss calling her tonight during half time of the KU slaughter of Lehigh.  She would probably comment about how Bill Self's new glasses really do make him look younger and that he sure does wear better ties than Roy used to.  And, she would probably be commenting about how well Sherron is leading his team and maybe a little about what poor decisions that Marcus and Markieff made during the first half.  And, then she would ask me if I think they can do it?  Do I really think they can win the National Championship?  I would assure her that they could.

But, as I watch the game tonight.  I know one thing.  She has the best seat in the house this year.  In my mind, she is hanging out over Danny and Bill's shoulders and is giving them a little bit of the Mary Barrows basketball theory.