Your birthday..without you.

Damn it. That is how I felt most of the day today. Why in God's name do I have to be here, celebrating her birthday without her?! I got very little sleep last night and was prepared to face the day with everything I had. I was bound and determined that I would not sob the entire day. I booked myself full of errands and activities that would celebrate her. I started at the HyVee floral department picking up flowers for her. She was never really into pink roses, but I thought they were beautiful and red was entirely too cliche. My next stop was Starbucks....she would go there if she could on her day. After my trip for a latte, it was time to go to KU. I went to the hospital today to honor her birthday. The bad coffee we were served while Mom was there brought us alot of comfort. So, in honor of her birthday, I took much better coffee up to the Neuro ICU....wrapped up of course. It will help someone else. Unfortunately, the wonderful manager that I was supposed to visit wasn't there, one of her little ones was sick and she was at home. Once again, damn it. I really needed to see her. To make up for it, I made trips around the hospital to see others that I love there.

While this all sounds fairly benign, I am leaving out a large elephant. As I was parking in the KU garage, my Dad called with news. Mr. Elliott passed away this am. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. For those of you who have no idea who he is, Mr. Elliott was almost family. My Dad worked in Mr. Elliott's jewelry store while he was in school at K-State. Mr. Elliott was still in business at the age of 89, He is responsible for the beautiful diamond that Bryce gave me and almost every single piece of jewelry that my Mom received. He had an incredible eye and was a classy man. In some ways, he was like a grandfather to me. He was certainly a wonderful example for my dad. And, as a student at KSU, I used to go visit him on a regular basis. Ok....so maybe I wanted to see all the jewels, but I also wanted to see him. I loved sitting in his office and hearing his latest stories. The most heartbreaking part of his death today is that his granddaughter (who he raised) gets married on Saturday. Shannon and I are close to the same age and unfortunately, now we are in the same boat. The reassuring part of this unfortunate story is that I know that Mom was waiting for him when he arrived this am. In my mind, I see her standing behind St. Peter saying, "Hey Benji.....you should really see the diamonds here..." And, he would say.." Oh Mary, you doll, they will look wonderful on you." On some level, I think it is pretty fitting that they are in heaven together. This was the first birthday in over 40 years that something from Mr. Elliott was not a consideration for my Mom from my Dad. So, I would like to think that Mr. Elliott took care of that today shortly after his arrival.

The rest of today was an interesting mix of emotions....and lots of tears. I went to church with a friend of Mom's today at noon. I always feel better when I am there. I am close to God and close to Mom. And, Stan actually offers healing prayers on Thursdays. Needless to say, I practically ran to the altar for that one. As I kneeled before him, I sobbed. Part of it was wishing that I didn't feel so broken and the other part of it was glad that I was there asking God for help. He will help me. But, in my classic form, I forgot my kleenex even though I knew there would be tears. Mom would have gotten me for that one. Thankfully, Ellen was there with me to help on that front...She's a Mom so she always has kleenex.

To be honest, I am emotionally spent. At this point, I don't even feel like writing anymore tonight. So, I'm calling it a night. The summary is: today sucked on a variety of levels. I miss my Mom.