Thoughts on my new career

As many of you know, I started my new job last week.....my new career.  In so many ways it was anti-climatic.  I was excited because I was working again and I was excited to have a good reason to get out of the house.  However, everything is new.  Everything.  I now go to an office.  I have a cubicle.  I don't have to check in or out with anyone.  They could care less if I make personal phone calls...in fact, they want me to.  Oh yeah, and I know significantly less about this job than I did about my last one.  I am not the expert nor am I considered even experienced.  That is odd.  It's an odd position to be in after being in an industry that you understood quite well....and it was even backwards more than half the time!!!  And, it's odd to be in an office surrounded by new people that have absolutely no idea the hell that I have been through in the last 6 months or that I am not the same person that I was a year ago.

There are so many things to think about as I start.  Should I have my own personal website or just use the company provided one?  What should my company name be?  Should my picture be on my business cards? How much should I spend on marketing?  What is the best way to reach people?  How exactly am I going to organize my time?  Supposedly, I am asking all the right questions according to my new colleagues.  However, they don't understand that I am used to having most of the answers....now.  And, that there is a right answer.  There really aren't any right answers to my questions above.  It is all up for interpretation.  And, for someone is who is Mrs. Black and White, this is a bit of a challenge.

However, I am confident.  Confident that these issues will all work themselves out....I just need to be patient. Since when have I ever been patient.  Never really.  But, as I have done for the last 6 months, one. foot. in. front. of. the. other.

One foot in front of the other is how I am going to have to get through this week as well.  On the 13th (Wed), it will be 6 months since my Mom has been gone.  She hasn't been part of my everyday life (other than in my head) for half of a year.  I barely went half a day without her before she died.

At this point in the grief game, things are getting very interesting.  Many have forgotten that you have recently lost a parent....they don't think it is that recent anymore.  Many ask generally how I am doing....and they are not alluding to "how are you REALLY doing?"  I think that many assume that the loss of my best friend is no longer at the forefront of my thoughts.  They assume incorrectly.  She still permeates almost every thought and action of everyday.  I still catch myself wanting to ask my Dad 'what Mom is up to' when I talk with him on the phone.  Or, ask him in the late afternoon if he has heard from Mom yet.  She called me everyday on her way home from school and it's still odd to not get that phone call between 3-5 every day during the week.

But, I will continue to keep her memory alive.  She is with me everyday that I go to the gym.  I am training for her.  I am training to FINISH a half marathon in her honor....and having a cocktail while overlooking the Magnificent Mile when we are finished to celebrate her and the money I will have raised for KU.