Today, I once again learned the valuable lesson of community. This afternoon, I was at home so that we could get the back window of the truck fixed. And,as my OCD self went out to check on the installer, I noticed the 2 KS State Troopers at the neighbor's home. And, being the person I am, I asked them if I could be of any assistance since I knew that those neighbor's are travelling. " Yes Maam, Ed has been killed in a car accident and we are trying to get ahold of his wife. We do not think she was in the car with him." Excuse me?? The kind trooper just informed me that my dear neighbor across the street had been killed in accident while on vacation today. And, over the next hour, we would learn that his wife was killed in that same accident.
In the blink of an eye, my neighbors are gone. Both of them. However, what I noticed was the amazing sense of community as we all gathered in our cul de sac. Every person in a one block area was connected at once by the quickly spreading word of Ed and Joann's death. And, while I have lived here the shortest amount of time, I , seemed to know almost the most about Ed. And, how did I know so much? Because, Ed and I were buddies. While I couldn't tell you his favorite restaurant, or his favorite sports team, I could tell you all about this trip they were on and how excited he was that his wife had just retired and that they would now be travelling together. He was one of many faces I said good morning to on my way home from a run. And, Ed was the man I always chatted with on my way to get the mail. In fact, our latest chats were about his son that was about to move here and how I would help him find a home in KC.
My neighbors leave behind two children. Two sons in their 20s and 30s without their parents. And, it breaks my heart even though have never met them. It is devastating to lose one parent, but to lose both in the same day, I cannot even begin to imagine.
And, while I am saddened by the loss of two great people. I am reassured about the choice we made. The families that I spent my afternoon with genuinely care about the people around them. They are concerned with the welfare of each and every one of us. And, collectively, we are saddened at the loss of our friends. It was amazing to me to see how much everyone wanted to make sure that everyone knew and was aware of what happened. And, each family was obviously affected.
It makes me sad to look across at their home and know that they are never coming 'home'. And, while I know they are now in their true 'home', it is sad to know I will not see them again for a long time.
So, to my followers, I ask that you pray for this family. Theirs sons will certainly need it in the days and months to come. We lost two great citizens today. However, I am comforted by the fact that they were together and they were enjoying their life together.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wow.
Had another wow moment this week. Was chatting with someone online who recently lost one of their in-laws to cancer. And, as we chatted, I offered my condolences (it is equally difficult for the spouse, but for different reasons). And, as I normally do, I offered the share the name of a really good therapist, just in case. Their response was that, 'they wouldn't need a therapist b/c they were strong.' Um. Wow.
That comment was proof to me that this person has absolutely no flipping idea what is about to happen. And, granted, maybe their situation was different. However, thinking that 'being strong' gets you through grief on it's own is ridiculous.
I fully understand that no one grieves the same way. And, I also understand that some people have no idea of why a therapist would be a good idea. And, I also know that some people just prefer to tough it out on their own.
However, I cannot say that I didn't have a 'wow' moment when I read it. Those of you that know me, know that I am 'strong' too. But, I can tell you right now, I never would have gotten through it all on my own.
I wouldn't say that the comment really surprised me...you hear enough stupid stuff out of people's mouths everyday. However, the part that pissed me off about the comment was the implication that people that seek therapy are 'weak'. No, those people are strong enough to admit they need help and are willing to find it.
That comment was proof to me that this person has absolutely no flipping idea what is about to happen. And, granted, maybe their situation was different. However, thinking that 'being strong' gets you through grief on it's own is ridiculous.
I fully understand that no one grieves the same way. And, I also understand that some people have no idea of why a therapist would be a good idea. And, I also know that some people just prefer to tough it out on their own.
However, I cannot say that I didn't have a 'wow' moment when I read it. Those of you that know me, know that I am 'strong' too. But, I can tell you right now, I never would have gotten through it all on my own.
I wouldn't say that the comment really surprised me...you hear enough stupid stuff out of people's mouths everyday. However, the part that pissed me off about the comment was the implication that people that seek therapy are 'weak'. No, those people are strong enough to admit they need help and are willing to find it.
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Birthday
Mom's birthday is Friday. And, while I don't have the same sense of impending doom that I did last year, I can honestly say I am not looking forward to it. While I am getting used to the fact that she isn't here, birthdays continue to send me for a loop. They were such a BIG DEAL in our family and she and I were the reason why.
Made a little trip into Nordstrom on Friday and it really made me miss her. Need to get a few new things, including some smaller jeans, and was wishing that she was there to help me. I, of course, didn't buy anything, b/c I never do anymore, but sure did make me miss her.
Thinking about her birthday has made me have this whole different wonder too...how do they celebrate birthdays in heaven? And, do they celebrate your real birthday (the day you were born) or do they celebrate the day you were given everlasting life (the day you died)? Not sure why, but those two questions have been puzzling me this weekend. Or, do you not celebrate either in heaven b/c you have been given everlasting life?
Made a little trip into Nordstrom on Friday and it really made me miss her. Need to get a few new things, including some smaller jeans, and was wishing that she was there to help me. I, of course, didn't buy anything, b/c I never do anymore, but sure did make me miss her.
Thinking about her birthday has made me have this whole different wonder too...how do they celebrate birthdays in heaven? And, do they celebrate your real birthday (the day you were born) or do they celebrate the day you were given everlasting life (the day you died)? Not sure why, but those two questions have been puzzling me this weekend. Or, do you not celebrate either in heaven b/c you have been given everlasting life?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Deja Vu
10 days ago, one of my friends joined 'the Club.' The Club is not something that you want to have any part of if you are part of my circle. The Club means that you have suffered the loss of a parent at an early age. Unfortunately, after the loss of my own Mom, I learned that I was not the only one and had many friends and acquaintances who had suffered the loss of a parent. And, damned if we didn't get another member 10 days ago.
The problem with watching one of your friends lose their parent is that you understand the gravity of their situation. You may not understand completely what it is like for them, but you have a pretty damn good idea. And, as I sat in a pew last week in support of my friend, my brain flashed countless memories of the last 14 months. And, I couldn't help but wonder why someone else, my age, has to go through this.
When I was talking to my friend the day after his father's death, I told him that my heart hurt for him. It hurts because I understand the loneliness that will undoubtedly come. It hurts for the missed opportunities, the missed family dinners, and the missed celebrations. It hurts for the missed phone calls to share good news. It hurts for the phone calls for a little advice. And, it hurts to know that his father will never know his son's children.
However, I was once again reminded that now is not the time for questions. Now is the time to trust in God's reasoning and have faith that there must be a reason for all of this. I know that grief has changed me over this past year and it will change my friend too. It has made me a better person, wife, and family member. In fact, I would say that most of the changes have been positive.....like the 30lb weight loss.
At times, I am incredibly thankful for the knowledge I have gained throughout the last year plus. I learned the value of picking up the phone to call when you know the call will be hard. I learned how important it is to be there for others as a show of support. I have learned how to truly be thankful every day for just having the opportunity to be here.
Through a series of workshops/trainings over the last year, I have learned how to make some valuable changes in my life Funny how it worked out for me to find myself in this workshop when I needed it most and was ready to make changes. Funny how God works. As part of that course, we were challenged to outline what our true purpose in life was. My purpose, as I see it, is to make a difference every day. And, I can honestly say that I am 100% committed to making sure that happens. I can already tell you that it is working.
I pray that my friend and those that will come after me will use their grief to grow.
And, I also pray that their grief is not as debilitating as mine was and can be at times.
The problem with watching one of your friends lose their parent is that you understand the gravity of their situation. You may not understand completely what it is like for them, but you have a pretty damn good idea. And, as I sat in a pew last week in support of my friend, my brain flashed countless memories of the last 14 months. And, I couldn't help but wonder why someone else, my age, has to go through this.
When I was talking to my friend the day after his father's death, I told him that my heart hurt for him. It hurts because I understand the loneliness that will undoubtedly come. It hurts for the missed opportunities, the missed family dinners, and the missed celebrations. It hurts for the missed phone calls to share good news. It hurts for the phone calls for a little advice. And, it hurts to know that his father will never know his son's children.
However, I was once again reminded that now is not the time for questions. Now is the time to trust in God's reasoning and have faith that there must be a reason for all of this. I know that grief has changed me over this past year and it will change my friend too. It has made me a better person, wife, and family member. In fact, I would say that most of the changes have been positive.....like the 30lb weight loss.
At times, I am incredibly thankful for the knowledge I have gained throughout the last year plus. I learned the value of picking up the phone to call when you know the call will be hard. I learned how important it is to be there for others as a show of support. I have learned how to truly be thankful every day for just having the opportunity to be here.
Through a series of workshops/trainings over the last year, I have learned how to make some valuable changes in my life Funny how it worked out for me to find myself in this workshop when I needed it most and was ready to make changes. Funny how God works. As part of that course, we were challenged to outline what our true purpose in life was. My purpose, as I see it, is to make a difference every day. And, I can honestly say that I am 100% committed to making sure that happens. I can already tell you that it is working.
I pray that my friend and those that will come after me will use their grief to grow.
And, I also pray that their grief is not as debilitating as mine was and can be at times.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Holiday weekends and conversations about nothing...
In my previous life, I loved and longed for long holiday weekends. I loved the prospect of having three days to get 'stuff done' and do some relaxing. I loved knowing that it usually meant life without a schedule and that I could easily blow off at least half of it and still manage to get something done if I needed to. And, I loved the weekends when we would all get together. Sometimes it was for being lazy...Sometimes it was for shopping...Sometimes it was for a few little projects around Club 246.
However, on this long holiday weekend, I discovered what I miss the most about these holiday weekends without my Mom. I miss those damn pointless phone calls that we used to have when we weren't together. The ones where I would call her at 11 and tell her that I was hoping to be dressed by noon....but don't count on it b/c I found ( insert show here) marathon and wasn't sure I could stick to such a tight schedule. Or, those times when I called her at 1030 to report that I had already done a couple of loads of laundry, cleaned out something, gotten a coffee, and was ready for a nap. I miss those stupid, random talks about nothing. We might both complain that we were bored, but that neither one of had any intention of fixing it. She might complain that Dad was (insert whatever here) and I would complain that Bryce was playing Xbox and not following my schedule. And, then, she just might give me some advice on how to motivate Bryce....and I would explain how that wouldn't work.
These were the weekends when we talked a half a dozen times a day on the phone. And, no one conversation was about much of anything. Lots of reports on what I was or was not cooking, whether the grocery store was busy, how dumb it was that I braved Costco, and a few weather anecdotes thrown in. And, each time, I would hang up the phone and smile...or shake my head. I occasionally shook my head because she was telling me what I should be doing, and those same suggestions could have easily applied to her.
I also came to the conclusion this weekend that I would be perfectly happy to skip this entire damn month. My motivation has tanked, the tears are up, I miss my Mom, and I wish all of these damn anniversaries in my head would go away. Because I am female, I remember exactly what happened on every day for the 3 weeks preceding her death. And, every day for the last couple, I have woken up to thoughts about whatever happened on that day last year.
I know that I have come a LOOOONG way. However, I can't say for certain that life at this distance from where I started feels that much better in general.
Some days, I am still fascinated at the things that I need her for. I still find it incredibly hard to make some decisions. I am not an indecisive person. However, I sure have been since my Mom died. I want that to go away. For example, Bryce and I went to the bookstore on Friday night because I wanted to go. For the most part, I have stayed out of bookstores over the last year. Mom and I went together, with coffee in hand, after we went to dinner. So, I have stayed out of those stores. But, I wanted a good book to read so we went to the bookstore. And, when I couldn't decide what I wanted to read, I thought....'I need to call Mom so that she can tell me what to get that I will like." This happens every Summer. Every Summer I tell myself I am going to read some good literature and maybe pass by a few of those mysteries I read. And, every summer, I call her from the bookstore and ask her what to get...if she isn't with me. So....as I do most of the time, I left the store with a few more mysteries...and no literature.
One week from tomorrow it will be one year.
However, on this long holiday weekend, I discovered what I miss the most about these holiday weekends without my Mom. I miss those damn pointless phone calls that we used to have when we weren't together. The ones where I would call her at 11 and tell her that I was hoping to be dressed by noon....but don't count on it b/c I found ( insert show here) marathon and wasn't sure I could stick to such a tight schedule. Or, those times when I called her at 1030 to report that I had already done a couple of loads of laundry, cleaned out something, gotten a coffee, and was ready for a nap. I miss those stupid, random talks about nothing. We might both complain that we were bored, but that neither one of had any intention of fixing it. She might complain that Dad was (insert whatever here) and I would complain that Bryce was playing Xbox and not following my schedule. And, then, she just might give me some advice on how to motivate Bryce....and I would explain how that wouldn't work.
These were the weekends when we talked a half a dozen times a day on the phone. And, no one conversation was about much of anything. Lots of reports on what I was or was not cooking, whether the grocery store was busy, how dumb it was that I braved Costco, and a few weather anecdotes thrown in. And, each time, I would hang up the phone and smile...or shake my head. I occasionally shook my head because she was telling me what I should be doing, and those same suggestions could have easily applied to her.
I also came to the conclusion this weekend that I would be perfectly happy to skip this entire damn month. My motivation has tanked, the tears are up, I miss my Mom, and I wish all of these damn anniversaries in my head would go away. Because I am female, I remember exactly what happened on every day for the 3 weeks preceding her death. And, every day for the last couple, I have woken up to thoughts about whatever happened on that day last year.
I know that I have come a LOOOONG way. However, I can't say for certain that life at this distance from where I started feels that much better in general.
Some days, I am still fascinated at the things that I need her for. I still find it incredibly hard to make some decisions. I am not an indecisive person. However, I sure have been since my Mom died. I want that to go away. For example, Bryce and I went to the bookstore on Friday night because I wanted to go. For the most part, I have stayed out of bookstores over the last year. Mom and I went together, with coffee in hand, after we went to dinner. So, I have stayed out of those stores. But, I wanted a good book to read so we went to the bookstore. And, when I couldn't decide what I wanted to read, I thought....'I need to call Mom so that she can tell me what to get that I will like." This happens every Summer. Every Summer I tell myself I am going to read some good literature and maybe pass by a few of those mysteries I read. And, every summer, I call her from the bookstore and ask her what to get...if she isn't with me. So....as I do most of the time, I left the store with a few more mysteries...and no literature.
One week from tomorrow it will be one year.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Thoughts on the first year of Marriage
This past Sunday, my husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. To most, the first anniversary probably isn't a very big deal because expect that it is an easy milestone to achieve since those first few months of marriage always involve rose colored glasses and being in the honeymoon phase. The average idiot assumes that you just sit around looking longingly into each other's eyes and magically you make it to a year. The average idiot probably also assumes that the first year is also the easiest. And, to be honest, I would like to slap all of those idiots that made comments about being honeymooners to me over the last 11 months.
The untimely death of my Mom ended our honeymoon phase shortly after the conclusion of our honeymoon. Then, we took a rough and tumble crash course on what marriages are made of over the following 11 months. And, when June 13th rolled around, I was ready to shout from the rooftops...Sweet Jesus, we MADE IT!!
I remember in our pre marital counseling that our counselor announced that we had all we needed to 'make it' as a couple. He had no concerns about whether or not our marriage would make it and declared that we were the perfect couple. Our strengths and weaknesses complement each other and we work well together. Little did that man know that my husband would carry me emotionally through our first year.
A couple of weeks ago I attended the wedding of one of my cousins. And, while most people were zoning out during the vows, I was checking off the list of very similar vows that Bryce and I had agreed to not too long before. For Better for Worse. Check. In sickness and in health. Check. For richer for poorer, Check. To have and to hold (up). Check. To love her even when she is crazy. Check. Oh wait, that wasn't in there, but it fits anyway. And, as they finished their vows, part of me laughed (sarcastically) to myself that we have already crossed all of those off. And, that I wasn't ready to cross many of those off for a second time yet. In fact, I was ready to start enjoying some of the 'for better' part of the vows.
And, while it sounds like I am bitching about what hell our first year of marriage has been...I am, but I am not. I am bitching because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wouldn't wish the overwhelming feelings of loneliness and loss on anyone....let alone someone who was trying to build a strong marriage. However, I am incredibly thankful for the test that I have been given. These trials have proven to me that I did find the right person and that he loves me absolutely unconditionally. In fact, he proves that very often when I get really ugly and moody. To be honest, I am not sure that I would have put up with me even though the circumstances could not be changed.
I am thankful for having someone to hold me up when I needed it and keep me company when I didn't really want it. I am thankful that I found someone to listen to my craziness even if he didn't know how to respond.
I am hoping that year 2 of marriage is better than year 1. I am hopeful that with a new home and the prospect of being somewhat settled in a few weeks that some sense of normalcy can come into our lives. I am looking forward to knowing where all of our things are. I am looking forward to having a fenced yard for the babies again. I am looking forward to being able to have friends over again. And, I am looking forward to moving on and making a life.
I have one small mountain in the way and it is fast approaching....the one year anniversary of my Mom's death. It's not going to be pretty. But, I will get through it....with a cocktail or two in hand.
By the way, it's obvious to me that I haven't written in a while by the obviously poor flow that exists in this post. However, I am pretty sure I will be back in the saddle of writing again to get me through the next few weeks.
The untimely death of my Mom ended our honeymoon phase shortly after the conclusion of our honeymoon. Then, we took a rough and tumble crash course on what marriages are made of over the following 11 months. And, when June 13th rolled around, I was ready to shout from the rooftops...Sweet Jesus, we MADE IT!!
I remember in our pre marital counseling that our counselor announced that we had all we needed to 'make it' as a couple. He had no concerns about whether or not our marriage would make it and declared that we were the perfect couple. Our strengths and weaknesses complement each other and we work well together. Little did that man know that my husband would carry me emotionally through our first year.
A couple of weeks ago I attended the wedding of one of my cousins. And, while most people were zoning out during the vows, I was checking off the list of very similar vows that Bryce and I had agreed to not too long before. For Better for Worse. Check. In sickness and in health. Check. For richer for poorer, Check. To have and to hold (up). Check. To love her even when she is crazy. Check. Oh wait, that wasn't in there, but it fits anyway. And, as they finished their vows, part of me laughed (sarcastically) to myself that we have already crossed all of those off. And, that I wasn't ready to cross many of those off for a second time yet. In fact, I was ready to start enjoying some of the 'for better' part of the vows.
And, while it sounds like I am bitching about what hell our first year of marriage has been...I am, but I am not. I am bitching because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wouldn't wish the overwhelming feelings of loneliness and loss on anyone....let alone someone who was trying to build a strong marriage. However, I am incredibly thankful for the test that I have been given. These trials have proven to me that I did find the right person and that he loves me absolutely unconditionally. In fact, he proves that very often when I get really ugly and moody. To be honest, I am not sure that I would have put up with me even though the circumstances could not be changed.
I am thankful for having someone to hold me up when I needed it and keep me company when I didn't really want it. I am thankful that I found someone to listen to my craziness even if he didn't know how to respond.
I am hoping that year 2 of marriage is better than year 1. I am hopeful that with a new home and the prospect of being somewhat settled in a few weeks that some sense of normalcy can come into our lives. I am looking forward to knowing where all of our things are. I am looking forward to having a fenced yard for the babies again. I am looking forward to being able to have friends over again. And, I am looking forward to moving on and making a life.
I have one small mountain in the way and it is fast approaching....the one year anniversary of my Mom's death. It's not going to be pretty. But, I will get through it....with a cocktail or two in hand.
By the way, it's obvious to me that I haven't written in a while by the obviously poor flow that exists in this post. However, I am pretty sure I will be back in the saddle of writing again to get me through the next few weeks.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Mother's Day...
So...it seems as though Mother's Day is coming....and it seems as though the fact that it is coming needs to be plastered on every piece of radio, TV, and print advertising imaginable. I realize that it is a HUGE holiday for the retail world and all involved, however, it is a little hard for those of us in my position to stomach all of this marketing. Mother's Day is coming and I don't have one anymore. It makes me MAD! The hardest part is knowing that I know that day is going to be rough. No phone calls to my Mom, no dinners out to celebrate, and no fun little prezzies to send her way. And, I know that their are plenty of people on this planet who won't do it up right for their Moms....but they still have their Moms. Yuck, yuck, and yuck.
I have told my husband that he is responsible for his own Mom this year....He has to go get his own card and do his own thing...probably without me. I honestly don't think I can stomach the pain of going out to see everyone else happily celebrating their Mom as I struggle.
I know that marketing is for the masses....but this is one of those times that it kills me. And, I wish I could avoid it....however, the only way that I could avoid all of this marketing is by living in a hole....and while that does sound attractive at times based on my fluctuating level of depression, my sweet husband won't let me live there.
I have told my husband that he is responsible for his own Mom this year....He has to go get his own card and do his own thing...probably without me. I honestly don't think I can stomach the pain of going out to see everyone else happily celebrating their Mom as I struggle.
I know that marketing is for the masses....but this is one of those times that it kills me. And, I wish I could avoid it....however, the only way that I could avoid all of this marketing is by living in a hole....and while that does sound attractive at times based on my fluctuating level of depression, my sweet husband won't let me live there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
