The surgery...and the Thanksgiving that wasn't..

For those of you that follow on a regular basis, you know that I went under the knife last Monday, Nov 23. Not a big deal, just getting my gallbladder removed. However, it was a much bigger deal to me than that. The weekend before was rotten. I was a rotten person to be around. My temper was short and there was little that was effective at consoling me. I was pissed I had to have surgery, I was pissed my Mom wasn't here, and I was pissed because I knew my Dad would have a hard time. So, on Monday am, my troops and I converged at the hospital. On the way there, we stopped by the church so that I could see Mom. I went by myself and sobbed for a good 5 minutes on my knees. Attention God: I love you but this is NOT fair.

We arrived at the hospital and got the ball rolling. I went back to pre op by myself to get all ready. And, as I imagined, they were busy. However, the nurse that was about to be mine was dumb enough to fight with another nurse over who had to work me up right in front of my bay. That really started it off on the right foot....come to find out, I managed to land the most disorganized nurse ever. Granted, I was no wonder patient and I openly admitted that to her. However, I was none too pleased when she couldn't get it together...All I needed was to sign my consents so I could get my IV so I could get some damn DRUGS. However, an angel arrived shortly from my anesthesia team. She had been sent by my friend who was doing my anesthesia to check on me and get me rolling. And, get me rolling she did. With her calm voice and nature, she got my IV, got me calmed down a little bit, and got me some drugs. And, by the time I rolled in to the OR, I was making jokes. She was amazing. She held my hand and she did her best to make me feel better. She knew the circumstances and the monsters in my head that I was dealing with. And, based on how she treated me, I would venture a guess that either she has lost her Mom or she is exceptionally close to her like I was because she got it. And, my hand picked anesthesiologist provided amazing care as well. He was kind enough to not harass me as much as he normally does and to call my husband from the OR. I am not sure what I would have done without them. My surgeon also did fine work. My scars are going to be small and my ability to eat has been restored.

My dad was a champ. I know it was incredibly hard to be there for me without my Mom there for him. That was how they did things...they were there for each other. And, after my surgery was complete, he went to tell her that everything went ok. She already knew, but I know she appreciated my Dad's visit.

I was lucky enough to spend my days of recovery surrounded by friends. One of my friends was with me every single day until Thanksgiving. She kept me company, held my hand, rubbed my back, and tried to do all of those things my Mom would have. And, my friend Wilma was an amazing supervisor. I needed a little supervision....and her excellent nursing knowledge and care. As always, she came through with flying colors.

My Thanksgiving.....well, it wasn't. There was nothing about that day that made it seem like Thanksgiving. My Dad stayed in La Crosse so that he could be with my grandma and because he had a funeral service to attend on Saturday. My aunt spent the week at their place in Florida. And, Bryce and I spent it here. We went to church on Thurs am and stayed after to help serve dinner at the meal provided for our pantry patrons. Church was hard. I wasn't feeling thankful and I couldn't focus. However, one of the other members of the parish reached out to me. She came over during 'the peace' and told me that she understood that I was struggling and wanted me to keep going. Her husband died suddenly a few years ago and he is buried in the yard there as well. She understands what I am going through. And, she told me that I could slug anyone to gave me the platitude about 'just getting through the firsts' of everything....the first bday, the first holidays...all the milestones. She told me what I suspected, it doesn't get easier, you just do it....however you can.

I enjoyed visiting with her while we served downstairs as well. She's kind of an interesting gal. But, she gets it. She understands and she is now part of my army. I have a feeling I will need her and everyone else who has enlisted in the coming weeks.

My best description of Thanksgiving is a little odd. But, I felt like I was watching from above. I felt like I was observing someone else's life and I wasn't participating. I was an outsider. I would assume that Christmas will be much the same way.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for...however, when you are missing someone so much it hurts, that's hard to put in perspective.

Right Smack Dab in the Face

Today has officially been one of those days that slapped me in the face before I ever even managed to get out of bed. I know that because I remember just feeling snarly for absolutely no reason this am before I got up. It didn't take me long to figure out what the problem was. I miss my Mom ALOT today.

Yesterday was a day for the short list of good days. I got alot done around the house, ran some errands, felt productive, and emotionally felt good. I felt like I was going to win and that maybe this whole surgery and holiday thing would be manageable....then I met today. Today means that I don't really care of face either. I will take a few good rounds of sedation. I don't want to Christmas shop, I don't feel like it. I don't want to think about Thanksgiving next week. And, I sure as hell don't want to think about walking through the doors of 3901 Rainbow next Monday without my Mom by my side.

For those of you that aren't in healthcare, those of us that are, are NOT good patients. We know too damn much and have too many rules....as in, you can't start my IV there...and I will select my own anesthesiologist (which I have done). We are control freaks and being in a hospital and not being in control of what is going on is like a bad alcoholic without a drink. We are beside ourselves. But to pull from an AA mantra...I should just 'let go and let God." I'll try that, but I have a feeling it will be after quite a few tears. Luckily, I have a troops from my army joining me at the hospital....luckily, they are smart enough to know what will likely happen. I also hate what I know will happen there as well. Staff are going to think that I am just being a big baby because I am having surgery. Things like...."Good God, she's a nurse, doesn't she know this is no big deal?" will surely be said under someone's breath. However, I am not going to worry about those people. Screw them. This nurse has had a hell of a year so even a minor surgery feels monumental.

With Thanksgiving fast approaching, I have tried to keep reminding myself that I have alot to be thankful for. I was able to quit a job that I hated. I am married to someone who obviously loves me unconditionally. I have two wonderful dogs...even though I occasionally want to beat them. I have some amazing friends. Thanks to accupuncture, right now, my migraines are under control. My dad will be moving to KC soon. However, in the midst of all of those things, at times, I don't feel thankful at all. I feel resentful. Why do I have to be the one that has to do this? Why do I have to wake up every morning and tell myself that today is going to be a better day and that my Mom is in a better place. I am glad she is there...but I am not glad that I can't talk to her.

Today, I attempted to run errands. One of them was a stop at Hallmark for some birthday cards and some sympathy ones too. They are the first sympathy cards that I have attempted to buy since my Mom died and it didn't go very well. I couldn't even stand in front of that section without crying. I was unable to even open one. I know what they all say and none of it brings a bit of comfort to the person getting it. The comfort comes from knowing that someone else is remembering your loved one and that you are in their prayers. So, I didn't buy any sympathy cards. I couldn't do it. I will send a note instead. As for the birthday cards, I would have thought that would have been easier. Wrong again. It wasn't. I needed one for a good girlfriend of mine and my aunt. So, I went to the "For Her" section. I probably won't ever go back to it. It was DOMINATED by cards for Mom's and daughter's. All I could do was think that I would never buy a For Mom card again and that I would never be getting a For Daughter card from my Mom again. It was an entire 5 foot physical reminder of my pain. And, I wanted to rip it down.

I have finally figured out why I was unable to really Christmas shop in Chicago. I went there with hopes that the change of scenery would make Christmas shopping easier. However, throughout the weekend, I just couldn't get myself worked up to it. I know why. I basically called my Mom for a pre or post purchase stamp of approval on my gifts. Not that I can't make a decision, I can. I just liked hearing that someone else thought my idea was cool/fun/they would love it. And, she loved hearing about the people out shopping, what was on sale, and what I found for me. So, I am figuring out a different solution for Christmas this year.

I hate grief. It is one mean bastard. It lets you go along thinking that you might make it and then manages to knock you right back down again when you least expect it. It makes you doubt yourself. It makes you doubt your ability to function normally.

So, that's where I am today...wondering how I am going to put my right foot in front of my left. And, if I will be able to sleep tonight without all those rotten dreams that keep plaguing me.

Getting my shit together....while fighting the silent war

On Friday, I went to the doctor in an attempt to figure what the hell is going on with my body. For the last month, I have been sick. Not just one issue....multiple issues. And, I am sick of feeling like crap all of the time. Life was hard enough when my body wasn't sick...it's even harder now. So, rather than continuing to self medicate and diagnose, I went to the doctor. And, while I was sitting in the lab getting my blood drawn, I had an interesting conversation with the phlebotomist. She noticed that I was in scrubs so, of course, she asked where I worked. I told her, and that I would only be doing that for four more days. She asked what I would be doing after that.... Without even thinking, I responded, 'getting my shit together." As you can imagine, she had no idea how to take that or what to say....insert awkward silence here. Of course, then I have to analyze my gut response. That is exactly what I am going to do. In many ways, my life has been in some form of turmoil or disarray for the past year. I was planning a wedding, working on moving out of my home, dealing with my Mom's cancer diagnosis, her death, moving, selling my home, and now facing a whole host of illnesses. Needless to say, if you live through all of that, at some point, you wake up and wonder what the hell is going on. That is where I am.

I can't wait to be done working. I am sick of my trained monkey position and the ridiculous bullshit that goes on where I work. I am ready to get my life figured out. I am ready to get organized again and figure out how I am going to spend my valuable time. I need stability and some semblance of normal. I know I still won't have that for a long time, however, I would like to create some circumstances that maybe, just maybe, resemble a stable and normal life. I am ready to dedicate my life to doing things that are important to me and trying to take care of me...and the ones I love too. This control freak is ready to get a handle on things again.....all while continuing to fight my own, often silent, war.

I have to come to the realization that my grief has become a silent war. Over the last week, I have often felt trapped in my mind again. I am missing my Mom horribly again. Most of it has to do with the fact that I have been sick. I have never had a long term sick stretch without the comfort of my Mom...Let me just tell you, this sucks. I am surrounded by concerned, loving people yet none of them are able to bring me the level of comfort that my Mom did. By this stage of the game, she would have been to KC to see for herself what was going on. She would have taken care of me and made me feel better.

I am also missing her because these damn holidays are coming whether I want them to or not. To be honest, I don't want to see them. In fact, if sedation through January were an option, I would take that. However, it's not about to happen like that. By the grace of God, I will make it through. I only know that because I have lived through the last 112 days. But, I also don't want to see the next 45. I don't want to Christmas shop without her. I don't want to have Thanksgiving without her. And, I don't want to witness the first weekend in December. This will be the first year that she and my Dad will not do their Christmas shopping in KC that weekend.

In my silent war, I won a victory this weekend. We were at the KU/KSU game in Manhattan. At one point, yesterday am, I wasn't really sure we were going to make it. My body was so mad at me, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it to the game. However, I made it...we were going to try and do something fun and act like life was normal. Once we were there, we spent the day with part of my Dad's family. We talked and tailgated and I pretended that life was good. Especially when someone I hadn't seen since my Mom's death commented on her black pearl that I wear. We had been together for hours and she had yet to say anything to me about the events of the last 4 months...I guess it's just easier to ignore it...or forget about it. However, when she commented on my necklace, I pointed out that of course, it had been my Mom's. Insert her awkwardness here...followed by many comments that highlighted that. In my head, I wanted to bawl. I wanted to sit down and bawl right in the middle of the East parking lot. Yes, damn it, this is all I have left of her. I have this beautiful necklace and I don't have her. I don't have my best friend and I would give ANYTHING to have her back. And, I don't have her to tell me that everything is going to be ok.

Her absence struck me like that many times yesterday. I had so many things to tell her about.

One of the few moments of comfort in my head was granted by my cousin's amazing girlfriend. She has been through this war too.....not with the death of her Mom, but with her share of loss. And, she did her best to make me feel loved and comforted yesterday. She understood what was going on my head that no one could see. She gave me hugs because she knew I was hurting and a great new book to read to help me get through. With her help, I had a victory yesterday. I made it through another awkward social experience.

This week will be my last week as a practicing nurse for a while....and I am ok with that. I do not have the physical or more importantly, the emotional stamina to take care of others. My goal is to just make it through...make it through without a major meltdown.

Farewell, Florence....

This is a blog entry that I have been wanting to write for some time....but, unfortunately, I wasn't able to until all the appropriate ducks were in a row....

I quit my job last week. Actually, I didn't just quit my job, I left my career. Yep, no more Florence Nightingale for me. For some of you, this might come as a shock and for others of you, you really aren't that surprised. While nursing has always been part of my identity, it has not been a good fit for me for a while. While I love taking care of others, there are so many circumstances that get in the way of being a good nurse. Politics, insurance, a dysfunctional system, irrational patients, and a few cantankerous physicians just to name a few. It had gotten to a point where I no longer felt like I was making a difference and I felt as though I was functioning at the same level as a trained monkey. While I have significantly more education than a monkey, one could of easily done my current job. And, each week, something new came up at my company. Someone else got fired, they changed the rules again, or the vixen from HR opened her mouth. For those of you that aren't aware, I am not a fan of our HR department. During the short illness and subsequent death of my Mom, they were less than helpful or supportive. In fact, they went so far as to ask me in an email if someone else could just take care of my Mom so I didn't have to miss work. Excuse me?! And, then, while I was off following her death, they were less than flexible about my return to work, my hours, and my pay.....they didn't pay me for most of the time that I was off. Their rationale was that I couldn't use my accumulated sick time to take care of a family member b/c I was less than a month shy of my anniversary. Had it been 20 something days later, I would have been able to use it. It amazes me that they wonder why people continue to resign from the company. They do not support their staff therefore I don't see how they can expect any loyalty. Luckily for me, I am getting out.

I have had lots of emotions around quitting my job. I was a little nervous about it a couple of days before. However, I soon got over that. I knew that it was the right choice for me. I am not happy and life is too damn short to not be happy. Part of me wondered if it was the right choice b/c I know that my Mom was not happy with her work environment either....yet, she kept on going. However, the difference was, she loved teaching. Right now, I don't love being a nurse. I do not like the disrespect that I am shown b/c "you are JUST a nurse." I will be happy to not be hearing that on a regular basis. And, it has been almost impossible to take care of others since my Mom's death. I am fine with taking care of my family and friends but it is so hard to take care of others.....especially when they don't have any regard for the help I am trying to give.

I know that it would have been an interesting conversation with my Mom about quitting nursing. She was so proud that I am a nurse. But, I know that she would understand why I felt I had to do it. She would probably tell me that if she had had the chance to teach somewhere else, she would have long since left BCCC. And, she would have been proud of me that I had the courage to do it. I will just tell you, you don't quit your career without some courage. And, it would have taken courage to tell her....believe me. I know there would have been some interesting comments. However, she would have come around. She would have come around b/c she knows that the things that make me happy are not the things I have ever gotten paid for. It is doing things for Junior League, volunteering in the community, being involved at St. Paul's, and taking care of the things that are important to me. She would be proud of me for doing those things b/c that is how I want to continue making a difference.

Alright...for some reason...just don't feel like writing anymore. However, my absence won't be so long....

The art of marriage

So...it's been awhile since I have written. To be honest, my mom's birthday and the cleaning of her closet wore me out....And, while I have had alot to write about, some of it isn't for right now....

Over the last week, I have contemplated the meaning of a good marriage. We have been married for four months, so I am sure that makes me an expert on good marriages. Although I could easily contend that we have been through more in our four short months than most people in the first four years. I, unfortunately, know a couple of people who have experienced or are about to experience a divorce. Of the people I know that are going through or have been through that life changing event, none have been attributed to abuse or adultery. However, the common theme is that they were married to the wrong person. The men that they married are not bad people. But, they weren't the right people for them. They got along well, but they didn't understand each other, or what was necessary to work together. And, while marriage and relationships involve sacrifice, it's also about self preservation. One of the many promises my parents made Bryce make was that he would love me for who I was. That meant, putting up with my sarcasm, my shopping, my crazy little dog, my impatience, my phone habit, and everything else that goes along with me. He promised them that he would never try to change me. And, he hasn't.

I have seen my own marriage at its finest over the last week. For those of you that don't know, I have the damn swine flu....and pneumonia. I am not sure where I picked this crap up, but I can assure it is one of the more horrible illnesses that I have had. I have felt like shit since Wednesday night. So, because I felt so bad, I didn't go to work on Thursday or Friday. And, because Bryce was really concerned about me, he stayed home too. He stayed home to take care of me despite the fact that I was refusing to go to the doctor because I could treat whatever I had...by myself of course. I do have a master's degree in nursing and a Dad who is a pharmacist....No need to go the MD. He had brought me food, drinks, various meds, and whatever else I needed at the time. He has taken care of the dogs and kept me company. And, last night, when my friend Wilma finally convinced me that I needed to be seen based on my chest discomfort and shortness of breath....he drove my very scary self, to Urgent Care at KU. In under half an hour, I was diagnosed with Flu A/H1N1 and pneumonia. And, then he drove me around getting my meds and food...from Panera. Bryce despises Panera. Yet, it sounded good to me, so he went in. And, then, when we made it home, I didn't eat it, because it didn't taste very good to me.

Today, after a trip to Costco, he left my favorite drink from Sonic on the bedside table for me for when I woke up. I have no idea how long my nap was but I am guessing it was close to 3 hours. This was after he went to Starbucks for my latte this am....once again, BW doesn't do Starbucks either.

Marriages are about give and take. And, Bryce has done more giving than most. He has taken care of me from day 1. He and I are a good fit. We do what it takes to take care of each other. We are willing to make sacrifices. We are willing to do what it takes to make this work....forever. Like I said, I am no expert on marriages. But, I am pretty damn proud of the one I have.

Someday, Bryce will need me to take care of him. And, I will do it without complaint because I love him beyond belief and I couldn't imagine my life without him by my side.

As for my pig flu....it will eventually go away. And, I can't wait for that. I am over having to use an inhaler every couple of hours to breath, the exhaustion, and the quarantine. But, per my doctor, can't go anywhere until I have been fever free for greater than 24hrs....so as of now, I still can't go in public. Yuck.

Closet cleaning...and a little about priorities

Last weekend, Bryce and I made a trip to La Crosse so that I could begin the closet cleaning proceess. For those of you that knew my mom, you know this was not an easy task. I got my clothes horse ways from both of my parents so the idea of going through her closet was a very daunting task. How was I ever going to make through all the drawers and multiple closets?? So, I started with the easy stuff...t shirts....casual stuff....countless black or white long sleeved tshirts... That seemed be the private joke between my mom and I. Each season, we had to get new black and white t shirts because our others probably looked worn...Well, nothing of my mom's had really ever looked worn...so I found quite a collection of those. Don't worry, I chose to replenish my own stock. Luckily for me, my aunt was in town last weekend as well so she was able to provide some much needed moral support. And, I was lucky enough to have one of my best friend's come over to do the same. They helped me through it. I actually did pretty well until I found a sweater/jacket that she had worn quite a bit before I got married. Because it was her, it wasn't dirty after being worn. So, it was hanging in the closet, and it smelled like her. Not sure really how to describe that smell, but it smelled like her. Right now, I am not sure if it is going to get washed or not. And, because she and I wore the same size most of the time, I have ALOT of new clothes. She had lots of things that I loved and most were ablet o fit me. So, I brought them home. My closet will now be full of some great Armani pieces and some other classics. Getting dressed is even harder now than it was before.

Going through her clothes has certainly had a much longer lasting effect that I had planned on. I have a very severe case of no motivation this week. I can't seem to make myself do anything...or if it does get done, it isn't in a timely manner. I have done a lot of sitting. And, I know why. Going through her closet means that she isn't coming back. I brought home her clothes because she doesn't need them. I have all of those beautiful things because she is gone. And, much like any of the other things of hers that I have now....I wish I didn't have them. I would give them all away to have my mom back. And, I want her back for good. I don't understand those people that wish for just one more day with their loved one. That wouldn't help. One more day will not fix my loneliness for my best friend.

Speaking of good friends...I observed a very valuable lesson again this week. You have to make your friendships with your good friends a priority. Good friends, that are with you through your worst, do not come along everyday. Therefore, when you are lucky enough to have a friend like that, you damn well better be thankful and do what you can to nurture that. It takes work and it's often about making choices. Choose what is important to you and take care of it. Don't let it go by the wayside for the latest passing trend.

I decided that since Mom died I had to Christmas shop somewhere other than places I did it with my Mom....usually she was on the phone with me while I did mine, if we weren't together. So, not long after she died, I decided it was Chicago with my friend and we started talking about plans. My friend and I both needed the break after a pretty rotten summer for both of us. So, shopping and a girl's weekend sounded like a great idea. Unfortunately, my travel partner made other plans....rather than choosing her friend's much needed girl's weekend (for both), she chose a weekend away with a new love interest... No, I am not jealous about her choosing someone else over me. I could care less about that. However, I don't like choosing to spend a weekend with a new love interest over a friend you had long term plans with....a friend who has been there when you needed her because your days have been pretty darn dark too. However, one of my other amazing friends knows me well enough to know how difficult the next couple of months will be. So, when I was without a travel buddy she said that she would make the arrangements necessary so that she could go. She's giving up time with her son, the extra money from her part time job that helps her pay for grad school, and the class she teaches on Friday because she knew that I needed her. And, I love her for that. She is amazing.

Life is about taking care of each other. Telling your friends that you love them and showing them how much. Taking care of your spouse when they need it, and even when they don't. It's about thanking others for busting their hump to make your day better. And, it's also about taking care of yourself. Doing what you can to make your own day better...For some of us, that means sitting there and staring and holding onto your crazy little dog who is so darned in tuned to your emotions.

Bottom line...take care of each other because it's your responsibility.

Your birthday..without you.

Damn it. That is how I felt most of the day today. Why in God's name do I have to be here, celebrating her birthday without her?! I got very little sleep last night and was prepared to face the day with everything I had. I was bound and determined that I would not sob the entire day. I booked myself full of errands and activities that would celebrate her. I started at the HyVee floral department picking up flowers for her. She was never really into pink roses, but I thought they were beautiful and red was entirely too cliche. My next stop was Starbucks....she would go there if she could on her day. After my trip for a latte, it was time to go to KU. I went to the hospital today to honor her birthday. The bad coffee we were served while Mom was there brought us alot of comfort. So, in honor of her birthday, I took much better coffee up to the Neuro ICU....wrapped up of course. It will help someone else. Unfortunately, the wonderful manager that I was supposed to visit wasn't there, one of her little ones was sick and she was at home. Once again, damn it. I really needed to see her. To make up for it, I made trips around the hospital to see others that I love there.

While this all sounds fairly benign, I am leaving out a large elephant. As I was parking in the KU garage, my Dad called with news. Mr. Elliott passed away this am. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. For those of you who have no idea who he is, Mr. Elliott was almost family. My Dad worked in Mr. Elliott's jewelry store while he was in school at K-State. Mr. Elliott was still in business at the age of 89, He is responsible for the beautiful diamond that Bryce gave me and almost every single piece of jewelry that my Mom received. He had an incredible eye and was a classy man. In some ways, he was like a grandfather to me. He was certainly a wonderful example for my dad. And, as a student at KSU, I used to go visit him on a regular basis. Ok....so maybe I wanted to see all the jewels, but I also wanted to see him. I loved sitting in his office and hearing his latest stories. The most heartbreaking part of his death today is that his granddaughter (who he raised) gets married on Saturday. Shannon and I are close to the same age and unfortunately, now we are in the same boat. The reassuring part of this unfortunate story is that I know that Mom was waiting for him when he arrived this am. In my mind, I see her standing behind St. Peter saying, "Hey Benji.....you should really see the diamonds here..." And, he would say.." Oh Mary, you doll, they will look wonderful on you." On some level, I think it is pretty fitting that they are in heaven together. This was the first birthday in over 40 years that something from Mr. Elliott was not a consideration for my Mom from my Dad. So, I would like to think that Mr. Elliott took care of that today shortly after his arrival.

The rest of today was an interesting mix of emotions....and lots of tears. I went to church with a friend of Mom's today at noon. I always feel better when I am there. I am close to God and close to Mom. And, Stan actually offers healing prayers on Thursdays. Needless to say, I practically ran to the altar for that one. As I kneeled before him, I sobbed. Part of it was wishing that I didn't feel so broken and the other part of it was glad that I was there asking God for help. He will help me. But, in my classic form, I forgot my kleenex even though I knew there would be tears. Mom would have gotten me for that one. Thankfully, Ellen was there with me to help on that front...She's a Mom so she always has kleenex.

To be honest, I am emotionally spent. At this point, I don't even feel like writing anymore tonight. So, I'm calling it a night. The summary is: today sucked on a variety of levels. I miss my Mom.